Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air. And so is Covid. Melbourne is now back to lockdown. I hope those who want to celebrate Valentine’s Day with their loved ones can still do it. 

The other day I had a chat with some friends, and then some other friends the next day, and the conclusion is still the same from year to year: some believe in Valentine’s Day, that it’s a special day to celebrate love. Some believe that Valentine’s Day is just another commercial day and that love should be celebrated whenever. Some others believe that Valentine’s Day should be celebrated but has to include everyone: friends and families, not just romantic partners. 

In this post, I’ll focus on the romantic relationship as it’s the most common thought that pops up when we talk about Valentine’s Day.  

I personally like romantic stuff and think Valentine’s Day is a good day to celebrate love with a romantic partner. Yes, that would be like a twice a year thing: one is for the anniversary, and one for Valentine’s Day. If your anniversary is on Valentine’s Day, then celebrate it twice: lunch and dinner. Just a suggestion.

For the past few years, I’ve been celebrating Valentine’s Day by myself. The first time I was without a boyfriend, it felt very liberating. Now it’s just ‘liberating’ without the word ‘very’.

I enjoy celebrating Valentine’s Day by myself not because I don’t want a partner, but because I don’t like celebrating Valentine’s Day with a man who doesn’t believe in it and ends up celebrating it with me with an unhappy face. 

Do We Have to Celebrate ‘Love’?

While I don’t think celebrating ‘love’ has to be on Valentine’s Day, I still think we need to celebrate love. Otherwise, we can easily slip into the ‘take-everything-for-granted’ mode, especially when our partner becomes more and more familiar to us. 

When we take everything for granted, appreciation is likely to dissipate quickly. Resentment starts from small things like this: not feeling appreciated. When not discussed in a healthy manner, it can quickly turn many things into arguments, which often snowball into a need to escape, for instance, an affair with another person, which is adding toxic to the already toxic relationship. 

Self-Love: Do You Get What You Need From Your Partner?

In an article I posted a while ago, “You Have to Keep Breaking Your Heart Until It Opens”, I wrote about loving ourselves, and one of the elements is being accountable for our action, for instance, by protecting ourselves from getting hurt unnecessarily. We should start questioning ourselves if we are with the right partner. 

In the past, I misunderstood ‘love’. I thought ‘to love’ means to make our partner happy, ignoring our needs, enduring the pain inflicted on us. I believe many of us have similar thought as we were raised to believe that love means sacrifice.

Parents, for example, would sometimes force their children to do things despite the children’s uncomfortable feelings. The children soon learn about reward and punishment and can naively interpret that to love means to make their parents happy, despite the uncomfortable feelings.

Having been in a relationship with abusive and careless partners, as I felt worse and worse every day, I began to research more about healthy relationships and one of the most important ingredients is self-love. I began to understand self-love. It’s not ‘love’ if we choose to stay with an abusive partner or with a partner who doesn’t care about our needs. It’s self torturing. It’s toxic. Not a good way to live, as our energy would be drained to deal with recurring pains instead of growing to become a better version of ourselves.

What One Needs From Their Partner Can Differ From Another

Some women, myself included, would need friendship, companionship, loyalty, honesty, and affection, all on a consistent basis, which is impossible to get from a man who doesn’t care about these needs, or simply shares their romantic love with other women.

Some women just want status. As long as they can tell people, “Yes, I have a partner”, they don’t care about any other things.

Some other women just need money, a lot of money and more money, and don’t really care about companionship, honesty and affection.

There should be no judgement here. People grow at their own pace and through different paths. Everyone has their own wounds and needs, and should not be ashamed to express their needs as long as they’re aware that they shouldn’t make the relationship as the only source of happiness. That relationship is just one part of life, not the purpose of life. Here is what I wrote a while ago about the purpose of life.

Self-Love: Should You Stay Single Forever?

It’s easy to get obsessed with self-love and proclaim that we don’t need a romantic relationship at all. Some people do that. Life looks easier that way. 

Staying single forever can look very tempting, especially to those who cherish their freedom after being abused, neglected, rejected or betrayed. But it is often difficult to deny that we humans crave romantic affection at some point. 

However, when we accept the possibility that the right partner may never turn up, the thought of dying alone would somehow feel OK, instead of frightening. It’s not about being a perfectionist. It’s about living authentically. That we want to be with a partner who cares about our needs and certainly doesn’t carelessly inflict pain on us. And obviously, if we want a healthy relationship, we should do what it takes to nurture the relationship. One of them is by regularly checking in with our partner to see if their needs are met.

Therefore…

I hope Valentine’s Day is not just about chocolate and flowers or kissing and making love. It should also be about self-love: being accountable by questioning ourselves: are we living authentically? Are we with the right partner? Does the current relationship meet our needs or do we ignore our needs just to make our partner happy? Can we discuss it with our partner to come up with a win-win solution?

❤️❤️❤️
Happy Valentine’s Day! May love, especially self-love, be with us all always.
❤️❤️❤️