Last week I had a chat with one of my best friends and she said her mother hates her. This is her biological mother. The mother has made it clear that she hates her and my friend has been able to feel it clearly both through her mother’s words and actions. 

“Shouldn’t all mothers love their children unconditionally?” She asked. If she asked this question 30 years ago, I would’ve said “yes” instantly. 

But now I’ve seen and heard a lot of others’ experiences. The topic of parents hating their children or vice versa has been taboo. All parents are expected to love their children unconditionally and so are the children.

Through this post, I hope I can shed some light on this unpopular topic, about what to do when your parents hate/dislike you.

1. Go Visit “I Regret Having Children” Facebook Page

I came across a Facebook page called “I Regret Having Children” a few years ago and have read many horrible confessions of how parents can hate their children, regretting having them. 

I’d suggest you try to read as many confessions as you can and see things from the parent’s point of view while also think of how their children may feel to have such parents.

Some confessions make me literally cry as I can empathise with both sides: the parents who are frustrated with their children, and the children who don’t know how to regulate their own emotions and then become defiant and ungrateful. 

2. Know That Your Parents Are Human Too

Our society has brainwashed us to believe that all parents are angels. This belief is toxic as you’ll end up expecting too much from your parents, that they are to be your angels who should love you unconditionally. Which is unrealistic. Parents are human. They have their own childhood, traumas, and horrible coping mechanisms. And therefore, as human, they can hate/dislike anyone or anything. Including their own children. 

Having known this, you shouldn’t force your parents to love or like you. Accept the fact that they hate or dislike you. For whatever reasons. I have a gay friend whose parents disown him just because he’s gay. Some of my friends don’t get along with their parents because they don’t live according to their parents’ wish, which is to get married and have children. 

3. Heal Yourself First

When trying to heal, you must first tell yourself that you’re committed to healing. And then the next important step is awareness. Acknowledge all the traumas, big and small, that were caused by your parents. Don’t exaggerate, but don’t play down either. Acknowledging is a very important step as it can give answers to many of your problems today, like why you are often attracted to toxic people, why you want to be with people who are not emotionally available, why you’re a sex addict, why you abuse food/drugs/alcohol, why you have no discipline, etc. Professional therapy may be able to help you with this.

4. Forgive Your Parent(s)

Forgiving is a verb. It sounds simple but it’s not easy to do. Some people say you have to forgive first in order to heal, but some others think you have to heal first before you can forgive. 

I personally believe that we have to heal first before we can forgive. I suspect that anyone who says they forgive before they’re healed may have confused the word ‘forgive’ with ‘forget’. 

To me, forgiving means giving up the desire for revenge and giving up the resentment. Forgetting means erasing something from our memory, which may work (temporarily) if we have enough distraction.

When we forgive, we no longer carry resentment and can focus on what we want to do with our life in a more positive and productive way. This is essential for our wellbeing.

When we heal, we start to see things differently. That all things, good or bad, are part of our journey in life. That what happened to us in the past when we were innocent children is not our fault. But instead of clinging to the fact that it’s not our fault, we bravely take responsibility for our own healing and wellbeing. Some of us may even see the scars we’ve got as an important role in shaping our wisdom.

Therefore, forgiveness doesn’t and cannot happen before healing. It happens naturally after healing or at least in the process of healing.

To Summarise

Parents are not angels. They are human. They have their own childhood, traumas, and horrible coping mechanisms.

A Facebook page called “I Regret Having Children” can give helpful insights to see that parents are human who can hate/dislike their own children.

If your parents hate/dislike you, you shouldn’t force them to love or like you. You should focus on your own healing first. When you are healed, or in the process of healing, you start to see things differently. When this happens, forgiving your parents happens naturally. You no longer carry resentment and can focus on your life in a more positive and productive way, which is essential for your wellbeing.