A while ago, I posted about how to boost your mood when you’re alone and feeling bored. Today I’d like to share how to feel better when you’re alone and feeling sad.
Note that feeling better doesn’t necessarily mean feeling happy. But it helps when the sadness is too overwhelming and you have no one around to console you. I’m a firm believer that all emotions need to be felt and acknowledged properly.
Also, note that this post is in no way designed to distract your sadness as most contemporary happiness gurus tell you to do. Yes, of course you can just force yourself to smile when you’re sad and feel instantly ‘happy’, but that doesn’t remove your sadness ‘properly’. Your sadness will be repressed and will later cause health problems. For more details on the consequences of repressing or denying sadness, read my post here.
Most Of Us Have Dysfunctional Childhood
When we were kids, most of us were expected to obey our parents without questions. Failing to do so would result in us getting injured due to our own recklessness, or getting beaten up by our parents, a corporal punishment that was (kinda) popular before and during the 1970s.
Growing up, I had no one to go to when I was sad and hurt. I got beaten up? It was my fault. I had difficulty learning? That was because of my stupidity and laziness: my fault. I fell and bled? Entirely my fault, I had to fix it myself. No sweet words. No hugs.
On a side note, some of you who have been hugged by me now understand why I hug like I want to crush your ribs. It’s a new skill, you know, I’m still learning.
On another side note, I think whoever invented corporal punishment should be put in mental ward. No kids, not even animals, deserves corporal punishment. Parents who like to beat their kids up should see therapists and give their kids away (temporarily or permanently) to prevent further damage.
Also, the difficulty of learning should be eased by identifying the students’ learning method (visual, aural, verbal, logical, etc) instead of blaming them for being stupid and lazy. And falling down and bleeding, of course, is our own fault for not being careful, but why add insult to injury?
The majority of us human beings grew up, being conditioned that crying is weak and annoying. Many of us often hear that nobody loves crying babies. We were even praised as ‘strong’ for not crying after a painful event. We were told not to feel our emotions. This happens to both boys and girls, though boys internalise it quicker than girls due to societal pressure for them to ‘man up’.
This dysfunctional upbringing creates dysfunctional individuals who don’t know how to express their emotions properly. The repressed emotions often lead to various mental and physical health problems.
Tried and Tested Ways on Getting Better Soon When Feeling Sad Alone
This post is not about healing. It is about coping, just a band-aid, not a cure.
If you’re experiencing mental or physical illness or conditions, you should see a qualified therapist.
I don’t recommend talking about your mental condition or illness with a friend who’s not qualified in this field. You can talk about it, but don’t expect your friend to become your therapist, otherwise, you may end up getting worse. Remember, we tend to hang out with people who have similar perspectives. Talking about something that needs objective and expert views with people who are not qualified and are likely to have similar perspectives to ours often creates an echo chamber where we are stuck with our (probably wrong) views.
The coping mechanisms I’m sharing in this post have been tried and tested by me and some friends that tried them. They work effectively. So here are 6 ways to get better soon when you’re sad and alone:
1. Cry
The first option when you’re sad is to cry. However, It’s OK if you don’t feel like crying. But be aware it can be tricky as most of us grew up with a dysfunctional upbringing which cripples our ability to feel emotions properly. Here is my experience of not wanting to cry but actually needed to cry.
Many years ago, I experienced a deep trauma from a romantic relationship. I experienced it a few times in some other relationships, but this was the deepest to me. I didn’t have the intellectual and emotional capacity needed at that time to digest what had happened and as a result, I just brushed it off as if nothing happened. Part of me just said, “It’s not a big deal!”
A few days after the trauma, I felt like crying, but something strange happened. I couldn’t produce any tears. I was confused and assumed that I wasn’t sad enough to be able to cry. So again, I just brushed it off and went about my super busy activities. I didn’t discuss it with anyone, didn’t see any therapist as I couldn’t feel anything, so I convinced myself that it wasn’t a big deal. Plus, I was simply too busy with work and study. But in reality, I was emotionally numb, couldn’t feel any sadness, and couldn’t feel any joy either. For two years.
Until one day I woke up at 4 am to empty my bladder and when I returned to bed, I suddenly cried. Until I ran out of breath. And weirdly it felt good. I felt very peaceful and grateful for the tears. There was a sense of relief that I could finally produce tears again. It felt nice to be back to being a human again!
This is the point where I believed that sadness should be digested properly instead of being brushed off. At that stage, I didn’t know anything about the effect of repressing emotions. I just knew from experience that sadness has to be digested properly instead of dismissing it just because we don’t feel like crying or too busy with many other things in life. Since then, I’m always in touch with my emotions instead of dismissing them.
If you don’t feel like crying, just acknowledge the sadness and patiently wait until you feel like crying. Don’t force it. But don’t dismiss it either.
If you feel like crying, sit down on the floor, hug your knees, and cry your eyes out. Make it dramatic if you’d like. Yes, it’s a pity party. Immerse yourself in sadness and console yourself. Remind yourself that it’s OK to feel sad.
Be your own best friend. Hug yourself. Console yourself. Remind yourself that this is just a small part of life’s journey, not the end of the world. Yet.
If you’re sad because someone hurt you, apart from feeling sorry for yourself, replace the question of “Why is this happening to me?” with this question: “What is this trying to teach me?”.
From personal experience, crying only takes around 5 minutes if the sadness is ‘light’ and 30 minutes if the sadness is ‘kinda heavy’. 45 minutes if the sadness comes from past trauma that hasn’t healed properly. Rarely one hour. Yes, I managed to time them all as I used to cry quite often and was intrigued by how long I ‘wasted’ time in crying. I did think it was a waste of time at one point. Of course I was wrong. Crying is not a waste of time.
Also, the more dramatic the crying is, the faster the intense sadness subsides.
Caution:
The longer you cry, the puffier your eyes will get. Unless you want everyone to know you’ve been crying, pick the right timing. Best is before you go to bed, it makes sleeping better as you feel better. Here is a post about why crying makes you feel better.
2. Run – Fast
If you’re not a runner, start running. Make yourself tired. Very tired.
If you’re a regular runner, run more and faster.
If you can’t run due to leg injuries or something, start lifting weight. Do any sports that can make you feel physically tired. Studies show that when you’re tired after running (or intense exercising), you produce endorphins.
Endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. You’ll still feel sad, just less sad, as the endorphins help you tolerate the ‘pain’ of sadness.
Caution:
- The idea is not to repress your sadness, but just to lessen the pain. You’ll still need to sit and go through your sadness.
- Make sure when you run, lift weight, or do any sport activities, you also focus on doing it properly so that you don’t get any unnecessary injuries.
3. Clean
Not only does your home/room look and feel cleaner and thus make you feel better, cleaning has also been scientifically proven to release endorphins. As mentioned above, endorphins help you tolerate the pain of sadness.
Furthermore, because you can see the effect right away, cleaning gives a sense of control of your environment. Feeling sad is often because you feel powerless, that there’s nothing you can do to fix things. Therefore, when you give yourself the illusion of being able to control something, in this case, cleaning something, you’ll feel less sad.
Caution:
- Be aware of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a mental disorder where you become obsessive with cleaning.
- As previously mentioned, the idea is not to repress your sadness, but to lessen the pain. You’ll still need to sit and go through your sadness.
4. Journal
According to The University of Rochester Medical Center journaling can help you prioritise problems, fears, and concerns. Interestingly, it can also encourage positive self-talk and identifying negative thoughts and behaviours. With journaling, you’re likely to go through sadness with a positive attitude.
Caution:
Too much journaling can lead to overthinking small things and it can get overwhelming. Apart from being compassionate with yourself, you should also remember that there are other important things to do in life: your life’s purpose. Here is my post about how to discover your life’s purpose.
5. Meditate
When overwhelmingly sad, meditation can only be done after we cry. In other words, we should let the sadness express itself first in its purest form, by crying for a while before intentionally going deep into meditation. If you’ve never meditated before, try a guided meditation. This and this are good for beginners.
You should start doing meditation regularly, at least 20 minutes per day. Ideally twice a day. Every day.
The benefit of meditation is not only you get closer to your true self and be able to sense your life’s purpose, but it also helps you to become aware of your emotions instead of being controlled by your emotions.
Caution:
Your sadness is likely to interrupt your meditation. Try your best to focus on meditation. If you really want to cry again, stop the meditation and just focus on crying. The sadness will subside after crying, you’ll naturally feel it. Don’t repress your sadness. Just let it out. And then go back to your meditation. Alternatively, you can keep meditating and feel the sad emotion in your body. Sometimes, simply by being aware and acknowledging its existence, the sadness often becomes less intense. Welcome it. Have a chat. Ask it why it’s there.
6. Transmute Your Emotions
Not just happiness, love and lust, sadness (and other unwanted emotions) can also be transmuted into something beautiful. If you draw, draw something to express your emotions. If you play a musical instrument, play or compose a song that represents your emotion(s). If you’re a writer, write a poem or a letter. If you’re a boxer, punch something. I said something. Not somebody.
Caution:
Just because you think you have transmuted your (unwanted) emotions into something beautiful, doesn’t mean everyone is going to think it’s beautiful. What you think beautiful may differ from what others think. Stick to your truth. Transmute your emotion because you want to, not because you expect others to validate its beauty.
Beware of Gratitude
Gratitude is, by far, a very powerful distraction. In many cases, it instantly represses sadness.
I’m not against gratitude. In fact, gratitude is one of the most important ingredients to face life and feel joy. But if you do this before being cognisant of your sadness (and other uncomfortable emotions), you may end up repressing them.
As mentioned in this post, “Yes Being Happy Is Good, but Don’t Avoid Your Uncomfortable Emotions” repressing emotions may result in emotional numbness and various health problems.
Also, remember that depression and anxiety exist, and crying too often may be a sign that you’re having any or both of them. Left untreated, depression can lead to suicide. Here is a more detailed post about emotional crying: when it’s good and when to seek help.
Having Said That
This post is not about healing, it’s about coping until you can find proper help.
The tips above may sound too technical, however, the point is trying to get to the right balance: don’t repress your sadness, but don’t let sadness take over your life either. Remember that a bad event or a bad day does not mean a bad life. Nothing stays. Not sadness. Not happiness either. Respect and appreciate all your emotions. But also know when to seek professional help.
