According to Jung’s theory, when we don’t like someone or certain people, it’s because there are aspects in them that trigger our shadow self, the part we try to hide from other people. 

Based on this theory, whenever I come across someone or certain people I don’t like, I pause and reflect. I become curious about why I don’t like them.

However, I figured that the shadow-self theory is not the only reason when it comes to disliking or hating people. I rarely hate people by the way. To me, hatred is heavy and I don’t have the energy for that. 

Apart from triggering our shadow-self, there are other reasons why we dislike someone or certain people.

These people are usually:

Narcissistic

Generally speaking, (generally, because there are many types of narcissistic people, such as grandiose, vulnerable, and malignant) these people think they’re the king/queen of the world, and everybody must listen to them. They think they’re better than everyone. Everything they say will always be about them and their beliefs. Everyone who shows even a slight disagreement will be made enemies. 

It is possible that we have some narcissistic traits too, and that we’re trying to hide these, which consequently become our shadow self. And that’s why people with these traits trigger us. 

But I’d argue that it is also possible that we dislike narcissistic people because they remind us of our caretakers, often parents, whom we think are supposed to love us unconditionally but never do. Their love is very conditional, like, if we don’t behave the way they want us to behave, they’ll ostracise us. There’s a huge resentment towards this type of people and that’s why we end up disliking everyone with these traits. 

Manipulators

Manipulators are people who only take and rarely give. Even if they give, they’ll make it such a big deal that it sounds like they give more than they take. The worst part is that these people are smooth talkers. They can make us do what they want without us feeling resentful until some weeks or months later. 

Bullies

Ever come across people who criticise you indirectly (or blatantly) in the way you look? The way you dress? The way you handle certain situations that are not in their favour? Or simply saying things to make you feel bad about yourself? These people are bullies.

Time Wasters

Some people can be insensitive with time and oblivious with the fact that we may be in a hurry. They often talk about something that, to us, is not important, on and on, assuming that we’re interested in their stories.

Inconsiderate People

People who don’t care about their surroundings, turning their speakers up as loudly as possible in the train or bus, ‘forcing’ everyone to listen to their rubbish songs, and also screaming and yelling. It’s very easy to dislike this type of people.

Competitors

Whether it relates to career or romantic pursuit, we tend to dislike people whom we see as our competitors. It doesn’t matter how kind and friendly they’ve been to us. When we perceive a threat, we can instantly dislike them and this feeling is in most of us as a part of human nature. 

Stupid People

While I believe that everyone can be stupid in some areas, many of us, due to our beliefs, tend to see people with different belief as stupid. The anti-vaxxers tend to see vaccine supporters as stupid and vice versa. The same with those who believe that homosexuality is a disease and a sin punishable by being burnt in hell for eternity. People who don’t believe that homosexuality is a disease and a sin may think those who believe such things are stupid. 

People Who Don’t Like Us

There are always people who just dislike us without telling us why and we can’t do anything about it. I once had a new friend who was so enthusiastic in following my Instagram and suddenly she unfollowed me. It baffled me. She was a new friend. We didn’t have much interaction and I don’t believe I did anything wrong to make her dislike me. I ended up unfollowing her as well, respecting her decision for not liking me. And I do the same to all former friends who decide to dislike me for no particular reason: respect their decision to dislike me and leave them alone. But it almost always ends up with me disliking them, too.

There will always be reasons – known or unknown – for people to dislike other people. They always exist. And acknowledging them is not enough. We have to know how to deal with them.

Here are my tips on dealing with people we don’t like:

1. Identify the Reason

Firstly, we need to identify the reason we dislike someone. As mentioned above, we can dislike someone just because they remind us of our own shadows, or someone we don’t like because they did us wrong, or someone we see as a threat to our peace. 

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

Remember that everyone has their own battle. The battle we know nothing about. But it’s not our job to fix them unless we consciously choose that profession. Bullies, for example, have an urge to inflict pain on other people as they want to distract themselves from their own pain and insecurities. Many of them often got bullied by their parents at home. But remember we have our own battle. We need to take care of ourselves first, prioritising our mental wellbeing.

3. Distance Ourselves

Never pretend to like them when it comes to dealing with people we don’t like, especially narcissistic people, bullies, and manipulators. The purpose of distancing ourselves is to set firm boundaries so we don’t become their easy target that will eventually make our life miserable. 

4. Keep It Civil

Distancing ourselves doesn’t mean ignoring people we don’t like. Therefore, when it comes to communication with people we don’t like, we want to stay civil when possible. We still greet them briefly with a friendly smile. It doesn’t cost anything to greet and smile. But if they start to become obnoxious, then we can take note (yes, literally take note) and stop our civil interaction with them. The note is our weapon if one day they, or anyone, ask why we are not interacting with them. 

5. Choose the Right Battle

When we decide to stand up for ourselves, we need to map out the consequences. Never do anything out of impulse. Always calculate the risks properly. If what they say just feels like a small pinch, leave them alone. They throw sarcastic comments, let them. They criticise how boring you look, let them. Remember that people’s opinion doesn’t define who we are. Our integrity, our authenticity, and our kindness are the things that define who we are. If they’re not a threat to our mental wellbeing, leave them alone.

Conclusion

We need to acknowledge that there are people we don’t like and the first step to deal with them is to identify why we don’t like them.

Once done, we can then deal with them accordingly. It is also a good opportunity to evaluate ourselves and try to recognise our shadow-self in people we dislike.

However, sometimes we can dislike people when we perceive them as a threat. If this happens, remember not to take things personally as everyone has their own battle. The battle we know nothing about.

Even though we can empathise with everyone’s battle, we’ll still need to set strong boundaries to protect ourselves, to always prioritise our mental wellbeing.

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