Study shows that having healthy and close friendships positively affects mental health and well-being. Problem is, old friends may be having a different lifestyle, moving overseas, or anything that makes it difficult for us to maintain a close friendship. Another problem is, some people, the introverted ones especially, don’t really enjoy socialising much.

As an ambivert with an introverted tendency, I can attest to that. Socialising is not really my cup of tea. 

I can hold a decent superficial conversation for one hour-ish and after that, I start to get exhausted and would prefer spending my time reading, writing, playing the piano, taking photographs, watching something, anything I can do by myself. 

But if the topic of the conversation is interesting, like psychology, death, or the purpose of life, I may turn into an extrovert who communicates proactively. 

I’d even be more eager when the topic is about the possibility that the childfree and antinatalist communities may be able to help reduce child exploitation by focusing their campaign more on child exploitation in third world countries. Why do people in extreme poverty have a lot of children? Just one or two is enough. Or just have no children at all. Why have five children with no food to eat and send the poor children to work in some factories that give very little wages? Or worse, send the poor children to the street to beg for money. Where pedophiles prey on these poor kids.  

And did I tell you that Adam would’ve been better off with Lilith (his first wife) instead of the confused Eve? Lilith wouldn’t have been tricked by the serpent. She’s a badass! She could’ve helped Adam to be the best version of himself instead of being a wimp who doesn’t want to take accountability for his actions: blaming God for creating Eve and blaming Eve for giving him the forbidden fruit. Ugh. Bad Adam! Bad!

OK I’m a bit too far from the original topic of this post now. But hopefully, by now you get what I mean by ‘interesting’. 

Apart from ‘interesting’, I also like topics that make me laugh. I enjoy socialising with people who can make others laugh. In a classy way.

If you haven’t met me in real life and meet me for the first time (provided that I haven’t said a word at all), you may see a shy, quiet, docile, polite woman. Until someone throws a joke, especially the sarcastic or politically incorrect ones. If I find it funny, I’ll add fuel to it, and voila! You’d see a completely different person.

I believe being socially awkward happens to most of us introverted people (or ambiverts who have introverted tendencies). The bad news is that the older we get, the less we want to socialise. The less we socialise, the harder it is to make friends/maintain a close friendship. Having no close friends can negatively affect our mental health and well being. But of course, it’s also important to remember that having no close friends is better than having toxic friends. That’s another topic that I’d like to write about soon.

Being friends with the right people is also good for broadening our perspectives.

I’ve been very fortunate to have met some crazy (read: fun) people that have become new friends and I haven’t let them go. If I do happen to let go, there would be some claw marks on them. I’m quite persistent when it comes to holding on to friendships. 

I can say I’m a bit successful in attracting strangers to become my friends without having to put anyone’s life in danger. And therefore, today I’m sharing these 7 tips on how to make new friends as a middle-aged introverted/ambiverted person (I’ll be 50 soon-ish, so yes, I’m a middle-aged! Don’t get fooled by my ‘young’ appearance. People think I’m 27 years old, which I often correct, “No, I’m 26!!”)

So here are the 7 tips:

Tips 1: Don’t Expect to Make New Friends on the First Meeting

I notice that introverted/ambiverted people (including me) rarely make new friends and stick with them on the first meeting. 

On the first meeting, it’s always the ‘normal’ protocol: hi, my name is Silvy, nice to meet you, what’s your name, have you been in jail?

OK, the last one is not a nice question but some people find it funny. The question was originally for a petite lady who works in security, and I quickly assumed she had bashed a lot of bad people. Turned out she works at a computer security company, not as nightclub security. And no, she hasn’t bashed anyone. And yes, it’s disappointing. I’m hoping to meet a petite lady who has bashed a lot of bad people. 

Sometimes I go to an event and make no friends at all (acquaintances yes, but not friends).

If there’s no chemistry, then there’s no chemistry. Accept it. Chemistry is needed not just in datings, but also in friendship. 

Tips 2: Smile First

Sometimes, often, an event can have a lot of introverted people who are reluctant to start a conversation. Being introverted in the middle of introverts can be comforting but can also be challenging. If nobody wants to start anything, why not start from you? Smile first. Like a normal person. Not an evil one. Be nice. Introduce yourself and get into proactive communication where you listen to the other person thoroughly instead of thinking about what to say next. Or what’s for dinner.

Tips 3: Join Groups That Have Your Favourite Activities

If you like photography, join one. If you like hiking, join one. I’ve been fortunate enough to find a cool group that combines both of them: hiking and photography. Unlike coffee or drink groups, this hiking/photography group doesn’t require much conversation. We just do stuff and talk about the activities instead of forcing ourselves to chit-chat about uninteresting subjects. 

Tips 4: Go With the Same Groups Regularly

If you’re an extrovert, you can just go with different groups every week, even every day, and you make friends easily. But as an introvert/ambivert, you may need to meet the same people more than once, twice, or even three-four times, to make friends. So my suggestion is, go with the same groups regularly. 

Tips 5: Keep in Touch

Facebook and Instagram are the easiest and most common platforms to keep in touch with new friends. If they don’t want to connect their social media with you, then you may accept it as their unwillingness to build a genuine friendship with you, and that’s OK. Leave them alone. Not in your basement, though. Be nice. 

Tips 6: Meet Your Friends Regularly

Good friendships are formed by spending quality time together. So if we really want to maintain the friendship, we should set aside time to catch up regularly. It doesn’t have to be every week since many of us have other commitments. So it can be every month or two. 

Tips 7: Don’t Be Too Quick to Judge

Sometimes it’s easy to judge a person as ‘not honest’ based on how different they present themselves in social media and the real world.

For example me. I appear to be very extroverted in social media, but in real life, I’m pretty much introverted. A friend pointed this out. He asked why I was so ‘talkative’ on social media, but not when I met him. I don’t do it on purpose. I’m not trying to play tricks with such inconsistency. I just feel it’s more liberating to write my mind than to speak it. And we all know that social media is mostly about writing. Not about speaking. 

Despite this type of inconsistency, if you know me in real life, you’d easily sense my integrity, that my words match my actions. Unless when I’m joking, sometimes I throw violent words like “I kill you” but of course I don’t mean it. I don’t know how Ivan Milat did it, I find killing spiders already exhausting. I’d feel instantly sorry if I accidentally kill one, thinking that their children or spouse may be waiting for them to bring food. Or just to talk.

Bonus

Tips 8: Let Go

Let go without claw marks. 

There may be a time when your friend(s) disappears mysteriously. By mysteriously, I don’t mean without a trace but just withdrawn without a clear reason. 

They may just say they’re busy or not in the mood to get out of their house. If they’ve been saying those for more than a year, you may safely assume that they just avoid meeting you. 

There are plenty of reasons for their disappearance, here are a few possibilities: 

1. They’re going through a tough time in their life and don’t want to share it with you.
2. They find it hard to manipulate you so spending time with you is a waste of their time (which is good! Leave them alone!).
3. Some of your behaviours (or personalities) remind them of the relatives or friends they dislike, often for unknown reasons. 
4. They have different lifestyles (e.g. they’re into maintaining nails by going to the best salon, while you’re into breaking nails by climbing mountains)
5. They have different views about life (e.g. they don’t care much about their future while you’re a badass who is building your business from scratch. For the twelfth time.)
6. They find you too old.
7. They find you too young.
8. They find you boring.
9. They find you irritating.

Don’t take anything personally. Just know that you’re not everyone’s cup of tea. There’s no point trying to please everyone. Just remember to always be kind, be yourself, know your life’s purpose, eager to learn and improve, and have a good sense of humour. 

All in All 

Having healthy friendships is good for mental health and well being. This can be challenging for introverted and middle-aged people. Joining some groups that have your favourite activities can be a good start.

What do you think of the tips above? Share your experiences and tips on how to make new friends as an introverted, middle-aged person. By middle-aged, I mean those between 45 to 65 years old. Share your thoughts in the comment box below.