The topic of having children often amuses me. In Facebook groups/pages, Twitters, Instagram, Quora, and Reddit there have been arguments (and denigrations) regarding whether people should have children.
Usually, the argument would start with the statement that having children will bring you joy, change you into a better person, and make life more meaningful. Therefore, everyone should have children. Anyone who doesn’t have children is considered selfish and incomplete. They are seen as those who don’t have what it takes to be a better person, which includes adult responsibility, tiredness, sacrifice, real joy, and real love.
This, of course, creates a backlash from those who don’t have children, especially those who deliberately choose to be childfree. Many of them argue that people don’t have to be a parent to know adult responsibility, tiredness, sacrifice, real joy, and real love. People who work as volunteers, for instance, helping the disadvantaged can also experience all of those.
In this post, I’d like to share what I’ve observed so far about the views of the Traditionalist parents, childfree supporters, and the antinatalist community on whether or not people should have children. I also share my personal view after the observation in this post.
People Who Are Traditionalist Parents
In many traditionalist cultures (regardless of race and nation), the most common reason for having children, especially biological children, is for the wish to continue the family legacy, also with the hope that the children will look after the parents when they’re old.
Many of them believe that everyone should have their own family, preferably a nuclear type where a family consists of a father, a mother, and their children.
To them, children are the future generation. With this proposition, they believe they contribute to society (and therefore humanity, in general) by being selfless, sacrificing time, energy, and many other things for the goodness of the future generation. This is widely believed to make life more meaningful.
From soap operas to daily conversations, we can see many parents of this type think they’re the best people and often look down on those who are not parents, especially those who chose to be childfree. As mentioned above, those who choose to live without children are seen as selfish, incomplete and don’t have what it takes to be a better person.
Some religious people are even harsher when it comes to judging people who don’t like children.
The Childfree Supporters
As the term suggests, they’re ‘childfree’. They don’t live with any children. At all. Childfree people can also be antinatalists.
In this section, I will only describe childfree people who are not necessarily antinatalists.
People under this category don’t want to have children mainly due to the belief that having children doesn’t and will not make them happy or make life more meaningful. They focus more on personal comfort, physical and mental health, career, financial freedom, and other areas that they believe will enhance happiness or find more meaning in life.
With the emergence of scientific studies about happiness and the existence of forums and pages for parents who regret having children, it’s now almost impossible to persuade childfree supporters to believe that having children can make them happy and make life more meaningful.
Most childfree people confirm they have zero regrets for not having any children. Many of them suspect that they wouldn’t have been able to do what they’ve done if they had children. They believe that what they’ve done (without children) had given them happiness and meaningful life.
Those who regret not having children find an instant antidote by simply listening to those who regret having children. The regret for having children is generally far worse than the regret for not having children.
There are 3 main types of childfree supporters:
1. Those Who Hate Children
These childfree people are usually those who are excessively proud of how free they are living with no children. They would post memes on their social media like how much money and time they save or can spend, emphasising the fact that those are possible because they don’t have any children.
2. Those Who Love Children but…
These are usually the best uncles/aunties. They love children, spoil their nephews and nieces, but also know how much hard work is involved and how much freedom is taken for raising children. And because of this, they’d prefer to be just that, an uncle or an aunty. No intention to be a parent at all as they’d prefer to focus on their own lives and guard their comfort and freedom.
3. Those Who Wanted Children but…
These supporters are from the other side, the parent side. They were previously wannabe parents who, for whatever reason, are unable to have any biological children. The thought of adoption doesn’t interest them. Over time, they get used to living a childfree lifestyle and start to like it.
The Anti-Natalist Community
This community consists of those who are against having biological children. Note that not all antinatalists are childfree. Some of them adopt children.
The three most popular reasons for not having children from the antinatalist views are:
1. Environmental Reason: Climate Crisis
Having even just one child causes 58.6 tonnes of carbon each year. It’s an enormous number that contributes to the climate crisis.
2. Humanity Reason
People in this category believe that having biological children is one of the most selfish things people can do as they’re stealing resources from others in order to perpetuate their genes.
In this group, people chose not to have children because they want to pass on things that are intellectual and believe that they will have far more time and energy to do that to a greater number of people if they don’t have children.
3. Moral Reason: Suffering
The antinatalists in this category believe it is immoral to bring a child to the world just to eventually suffer and die. Especially when the reason for having a child is for the parents to be happy or just to simply feel rewarded. Here is an example of the rant:
David Benatar, one of the most popular antinatalist writes in his book, Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence that reproducing is intrinsically cruel and irresponsible—not just because a horrible fate can befall anyone, but because life itself is permeated by badness.
We Should All Live Authentically
In my opinion, we all should live authentically: know our life’s purpose and live the way we want without having to worry about what others think or say. But also without harming others.
If You Choose to Be a Parent
If you think your life would be more meaningful by having children, then go have children. But before doing that, make sure that you are on the same page with your partner (if you have a partner), that you both want children. Otherwise, they may become resentful years later and leave everything behind. The heartache can be unbearable while at the same time, you’ll need to put yourself together to live life and look after your children (if you’re the primary custodial parent).
If you’re single and want to have babies with IVF, make sure you’re prepared. Raising children by yourself can be very challenging: mentally, physically, and financially.
Do not ever have children simply because ‘babies are cute’. Babies are not toys. While (some) babies are cute, how long do babies remain babies? They’re real humans. Not dolls. They grow. They will have to be ready to face life as a responsible, mature adult.
Furthermore, it’s never a guarantee that your children will always want to be near you. They may want to live interstate or even overseas, for instance.
And another reason your children want to stay away from you can be that you may unintentionally have caused one or more major traumas to them and you refuse to acknowledge them. This pushes them to choose to cut contact with you as they believe you’re a major threat to their mental health. If you want to know more about this topic, simply google “children of narcissistic parents”. You’ll find numerous scientific studies and reports on this subject.
Also, before having any children, visit a psychologist/psychiatrist to see if you’re mentally sound, that you don’t suffer from any mental illness which may harm your future children.
And remember, once you’re a parent, even though you’re experiencing great joy, understand that not everyone feels the same level of joy. So don’t go around lecturing people to have children that they should have children to experience joy. Many parents regret having children. Here is a Facebook page where they vent about regretting having children.
If You Choose to Be Childfree
If you really don’t want children in your life, do so without being condescending to people who have a passion for raising children.
If you hate children, try not to hate them much even though they can be very noisy and annoying beyond belief. Some of them may be children with special needs or simply mentally incapable of behaving well. Have some compassion when possible. They may have a hard time themselves trying to regulate their own emotions. Their parents may even regret having them.
If You Choose to Be an Antinatalist
Understand that even though your view has truth in it, many people still want to focus on the positive things about life in general.
While you may think that focusing on the positive things in life is delusional, understand that being delusional is often what makes life more beautiful and meaningful. Many people like beauty and meaning, no matter how delusional they actually are. So let them enjoy their delusions. But don’t stop spreading this truth, that in this world, everybody is going to suffer and die anyway.
From what I’ve seen so far, spreading this particular truth has two benefits for humanity:
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- Parents will (hopefully) no longer feel entitled and abuse their children, because the children now know the truth, that their existence, which will only lead to death in the end, is all because of their parents’ mistake (accidentally fall pregnant), or their parents’ desire to reproduce which is often driven by a selfish motive (e.g. family legacy, wanting to go to heaven because their god wants them to produce children, etc).
With this understanding, parents will also realise that they can’t guilt-trip their children, tricking them into believing that they’re indebted. Because in reality, the children are brought to this world without their consent. Furthermore, the sentence “I feed you” shouldn’t be used because parents are legally required to take care of their children. This will hopefully result in parents being more conscious and responsible when raising their children, treating them as human beings instead of property.
. - People who are still undecided will be more informed and thus, are likely to be more intentional with their decision in having and raising children instead of just following the herd.
In the end, living lives with more intention and consciousness will bring us humans to a better level. This can lead to creating a world where there’s no need to abuse others, to escape and get addicted to anything. A beautiful, peaceful world.
All in All
The decision of having children or not should be done out of passion, not an obligation, and certainly not out of a desire to fit in and follow the herd. We should all live authentically, in touch with our true self and not influenced by what others think or say.
Most importantly, before deciding on anything, we should consider all the potential consequences to minimise any regret and any potential damages to others.
