The Golden Rule is a life philosophy that states “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” 

From Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, to Baháʼí Faith and many other religious and spiritual teachings, the Golden Rule seems to be the be-all-end-all approach for life. It is meant to inspire us to treat others the way we want to be treated.

Is it really the best approach in life? According to what I’ve experienced and heard, no. In fact, it can be a problem.

When Is It a Problem? 

It is believed that the Golden Rule is perfect. If you don’t want people to bully you, then don’t bully anyone. You don’t want to be beaten up, then don’t beat up anyone. You don’t want people to swear at you, then don’t swear at people. Perfect. 

But what happens if it involves individual preferences which are heavily influenced by their upbringing, culture, and… intimacy needs? 

Dick Pics

Here is my personal experience with dick pics.

Fortunately, I’ve never received any unwanted dick pics in my life. A few men who sent me their dick pics in pursue of romance always asked first if I wanted it.

As a photographer who’s interested in nude art, I enjoy judging (I mean observing! Observing!) human bodies, especially the male private part. “Oh, the lighting and angle make your dick look small. You should shoot from the lower angle. Oh, you’re not circumcised? Then you should pull the skin a bit, let the cute part shine. Stand near the window, with natural light. To the left. A bit up. Chop chop, don’t be shy. Smile. Your dick knows if you’re unhappy.” Don’t complain. Be glad I don’t charge you for such useful feedback. 

But when they asked if I could return the same ‘favour’, that is, by sending them a picture of my private parts, I said no; I don’t do that. If anyone wants to see me naked, they’d better spend time doing non-sexual activities first with me, see if we’re likely to be compatible.

And therefore, obviously I break the Golden Rule. I don’t do unto others as I would have them do unto me. 

Why do I break this ‘perfect’ Golden Rule? Because I’m simply not comfortable doing it, so I’m not going to cross my own boundaries, regardless of what others enjoy doing. Oh, you enjoy sending dick pics? Sure, send me some. But don’t expect me to send you my pics. I can send you some other guys’ dick picks if you’re interested. A more photogenic one, the one with the future. Take it as a benchmark. What? You want me to do a SWOT analysis too? That will take one semester.

Eat, Eat, Eat

Another example when the Golden Rule is not a good approach is when we’re in a country where interacting with people always relates to food. They love to share their food and actively (or aggressively) encourage everyone to eat. They’ll freely make fun of your weight, not knowing (not caring) that it’s a sensitive issue for many people. 

If you’re fat, regardless of your struggles of losing weight, you’re classified as happy and therefore you should eat more to be happier. Be happier, be fatter.

If you’re ‘fit’, you’re classified as skinny and therefore you should eat more so that you’re happy.

If you’re skinny… yeah… eat more, honey, look at you, all bones! Is it because you’re single? Get a husband/wife! 

But in reality, we want to be treated the way we want to be treated, not the way they think we want to be treated.

Don’t Forget About Those Who Love to Be Spanked

I’m not going into too much details, but there are some people who love to be spanked. Imagine if they truly live with the Golden Rule… they’ll go around spanking people. “Oh, I thought you were just like me! I love spanking!! It’s a sign of love, ya knooooow!” 

What About Empathy?

Unlike the Golden Rule that focuses mainly on how to treat others based on how we want to be treated, empathy focuses on how the other person would like to be treated. Of course, I’d say we do this approach with common sense, i.e, not violating our own boundaries. But looks like the Golden Rule is more popular than having empathy.

The Ten Commandments: Did It Exist Because People Have No Empathy?

Whenever I think of the Ten Commandments and read the Bible, I wonder if people in that era had no empathy at all, that they had to be reminded that killing is wrong, stealing someone else’s wife is wrong, etc. If everyone had empathy, wouldn’t they all live happily ever after without the Ten Commandments or a bunch of other laws that prohibit them from harming others?

I can imagine the conversation with their god before the Ten Commandments in that era: “Dear God, can I kill some people? I hate them.” 

God: “No! 

People: “But you killed everyone except Noah and his family. And then you burnt two cities just because some people put their precious in the wrong holes.”

God: “Those are different! Back to your question, the answer is no, you cannot kill people! How many times do I have to say no? Here are the Ten Commandments!! Read them! Memorise them!! There’ll be an exam next week!! Here are two tablets.” 

People: “Tablets?? Wow!!”

God: “Of STONES!!! Not IPADS!!”

And when Jesus arrived, He summarised the 10 Commandments into two commandments. The first is, “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37). And the second is, “You shall love your neighbour as yourself” (verse 39). The second one sounds just like the Golden Rule. 

“But my neighbour doesn’t enjoy spanking as much as I do. What do I do?”

“Love thy neighbour! Spank them all!”

Can Empathy Be Trained?

Scientists have been curious about what separates serial killers from those who are not. At this stage, they theorise the brain structure. The part of the brain that contributes to the ability to have empathy, the prefrontal cortex of serial killers, is usually either damaged or smaller than people who are not serial killers.

While I half-heartedly suspect that empathy is more related to the brain structure instead of a skill that can be easily acquired, I believe, also half-heartedly, that it’s something that can be trained.

Jeremy Sutton, PhD in his article on PositivePsychology.com, writes that our ability to be empathic to others is not fixed; it can be developed. One of the most important strategies is to cultivate curiosities by asking the person we meet about their life and listening to what they have to say. Another important method is to examine our own biases, as we often judge people on the way they look and how they live.

I haven’t delved deeply into the brain structure theory, but I speculate that those who can develop empathy through training are those who still have their prefrontal cortex undamaged and have ‘good enough size’ parts of this particular region that make them receptive to the training.

Is Empathy Better Than the Golden Rule?

Based on what I’ve outlined above, suppose empathy is something everyone can learn to develop, I believe it’s better than the Golden Rule. As mentioned, it’s because it focuses on how the other person wants to be treated instead of focusing on ourselves, as we may have our own biases, upbringing, cultural and individual preferences. 

What do you think? Don’t hesitate to share your thoughts in the comment box below.