Over the past few weeks, through my own experiences, friends’ experiences, and some people in the forum I volunteer, I learned a few important lessons:
Do Not Abandon Yourself
If you’re dealing with toxic people and you’re not ready as you’re too busy with your own life, detach yourself from their life. Your time is precious. Do not abandon yourself. Ever. Love yourself. Here is an article I wrote about what self-love is.
If You See the Same Patterns Again and Again
It’s not impossible that we ourselves have toxicity within us. Watch the patterns of past behaviours and if the patterns keep repeating, time to pay closer attention to what needs to heal within us. So instead of pointing the finger and blaming others, sit down and reflect: what can you do differently so you don’t keep receiving the same type of treatment from different people. If you keep receiving the same type of treatment from different people, it’s you. Not them. Reflect. Seek help.
If the Patterns Are Different
If the patterns are always different but end up at the same point, it may mean you’re being enriched with life, meeting various people that teach you different things. When it’s time to move on, you move on. Blaming an ex-lover, for instance, for rejecting or betraying you that you think causes an inability within you to love is the same with self-victimisation. It’s toxic to your well-being.
Some People Can Change
Keep in mind that some (yes some, not all) people can change and improve. This means what we call ‘toxic’ now is not necessarily toxic forever. If these toxic people (don’t forget we can be toxic too!) are serious about healing their traumas, they’ll surely be able to improve.
Some People Won’t Change
Also keep in mind that some (yes some, not all) people do not have the capacity to change and improve because of their know-it-all mentality, which is very common among people with certain personality disorders, such as NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). People with NPD can cause psychological (as well as physical and financial) harm to others, so be aware. It is rare to have someone with NPD to be aware of their condition and be mindful of their conduct towards others, but it is possible. Sam Vaknin, Kanika Batra, and Lee Hammock are some of those people.
The only proven method that works so far to avoid getting manipulated by these people is by knowing what your values are instead of letting others replace your values with things that can make you easy to manipulate. For further details about how to not get manipulated, read this article.
You Can’t Change Anyone’s Perception
You can’t change anyone’s perceptions, especially by belittling or spewing hateful words. You can always change your own reaction towards their perception. You can catalyse, but you can’t change anyone’s perception UNLESS A SHIFT OCCURS WITHIN THEMSELVES.
Respect Differences
Respect differences instead of desperately trying to unite everything and everyone blindly. You can’t unite toxic people and healthy people. Detach from the toxic ones and let them learn and heal at their own pace instead of insulting or stigmatising them. Labels can be useful but only up to a certain degree. Labels are useful in conceptualising something that is often hard to understand. However, some labels are just temporary. The stupid are not necessarily stupid forever. The sick are not necessarily sick forever.
Last but Not Least
You may be better than some people today in some areas. Tomorrow, they may be better than you in the same or different areas. We all have things to learn from each other. We all learn at different phases and paces. All in all, nobody is superior to anybody.
