We often hear people say “Don’t judge” but do we, and do they, really look at others without judging? Be honest.

And then it doesn’t just stop at “Don’t judge”, the general advice would extend to, “be compassionate”.

What is Compassionate?

According to Uncle Google, the word ‘compassionate’ comes from a French word, compassioné, which means ‘feeling pity’.

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Dictionary.com defines compassionate as:

“a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.”

It’s Impossible to Be Compassionate and Not Judging at the Same Time

The ‘Don’t Judge’ slogan sounds hollow when we want to be compassionate. Because to be compassionate, we need to first judge the person if they deserve our compassion. 

Why do we need to first judge the person? Be honest. Deep inside we don’t give our compassion ‘freely’. No matter how ‘loving’ we say or believe we are. 

For example, someone cuts the line shamelessly while you’ve been waiting for two hours.

If you’re a passive person, you may just stare at them while cursing at them silently. If you’re a passive-aggressive person, you may throw in some snide remarks. If you’re an aggressive-aggressive person, you may just explode telling them off not to cut. And if you’re an assertive one, you’re likely to let them know calmly where the line starts. 

When you know why they cut the line shamelessly, say, because they have a certain intellectual disability, you’ll start to judge them differently. Judgement still takes place. You now judge them as someone incapable of understanding the concept of queuing.

Would you still be angry at them for cutting the line? Most likely you’ll be far more compassionate. Why? Because of your judgement. You need to understand the situation first to be compassionate. And to understand something, a judgement is essential.

Another example is rambunctious children with their apathetic father on the train. His children fought, one cried, one screamed, one sang some random songs, the other one was jumping from one seat to another, and yet he said nothing, did nothing.

You can’t help but judge the father as an incompetent parent.

You then approach him and ask him to do something as his children are being way out of control. With a blank look in his red, teary eyes, he apologises and says he doesn’t know what to do as their mother just passed away this morning.

I bet your judgement shifts sharply, from seeing him as an incompetent parent to someone who deserves as much compassion as possible.

Therefore

I believe the message should be, “Don’t judge too early.” Because saying ‘Don’t judge’ does not work. Judgement is inherent in our mind as a human whether or not we like it. It’s impossible not to judge. But it’s possible to delay it and gather more understanding of the situation and be compassionate.