I’m a Fearless Woman, They Say

Some friends still assume that I’m a fearless woman for standing up for myself: in school, in uni, and throughout my life. The assumption was confirmed even more strongly when they saw me moving to a country that doesn’t speak my language, leaving my long-term relationships and some short-term relationships (the long-term ones are 6 years and 12 years), and publicly posting my observations and thoughts.

My Experience with Fear

Here is the truth: I’m not fearless. I still have a lot of fear, I’m just more selective about which fear I should succumb to.

For example, when I come across people or situations that I fear may ruin my physical and mental health, I simply succumb to my fear. I leave. The fact that I got into a few fights in my younger years was simply because I prioritised my ego more than my physical/mental health. But I still had fear if I saw a knife pointing at me. If it’s pointing at the onion then it’s a different story, I might help them peel the potatoes. What did you say? More salt? But I’m peeling the potatoes! One at a time, please.

The same with why I decided to walk out of my relationships. Some are downright toxic. And none of them is compatible with my personal values. My regret was (was, I don’t regret them anymore, they’re all good lessons) – I gave more chances than necessary as I was not only afraid of disappointing my parents, but also afraid of dying alone. I also put more effort into making it work by bending backward. Anyone bending backward will, of course, break at one point.

Nowadays, I’m confident I can make my parents proud; in my own ways, not necessarily in theirs. And I’m no longer afraid of dying alone. It’s much better than settling with someone whose values are not compatible with mine.

Fear Is Not Useless

In a way, fear has done a good job of protecting me from violence, abuse, and all other unnecessary suffering. Selective fear, that is.

And to be selective, I have to understand what I’m being selective of.

To understand what I’m being selective of, I need to know what matters to me.

In my opinion, people must prioritise their wellbeing over their attachment to people around them. Why? Because people around them may be toxic to them (to learn more about how toxic individuals can undermine our ability to authentically shine and live up to our full potential, you can read this blog post).

The No Fear Motto

Some people are obsessed with living with no fear. Which ironically, and naturally, makes them fear the fear itself.

In reality, every human experiences fear in various forms and amounts; it will always be there. The question is: are you denying and suppressing fear, or are you doing your best to understand it?

The Problem with Suppressing Fear

From what I’ve observed so far, when someone suppresses their fear and the outcome of doing so is unfavourable to them, their confidence will inevitably erode. Over time, they’ll succumb to fear, missing growth opportunities, which leads to stagnation or even a decline in the quality of their life, and it’ll just snowball from there. The next thing they know is that they’re at rock bottom. And just as they think they’re at rock bottom, it turns out that rock bottom has a basement.

In another context, when someone suppresses their fear, it may surface unexpectedly, causing anxiety and stress that would’ve been more manageable had they not suppressed it.

How to Not Suppress Fear

Not suppressing fear is tricky, as it’s much easier to say it than to practice. Therefore, it’s important to first understand the fear: why it’s there and what the short-term and long-term consequences are of doing or not doing something we fear. As mentioned above, this will require a thorough understanding of what matters to us, what our priorities are.

Once we understand our priorities, we can then choose which fears to investigate further and which ones to accept. It’s important to note that any outcomes will always come with inherent risks and uncertainties.

Embracing Uncertainty

Embracing uncertainty means that we’re aware the outcome may not be as good as expected, but we’re okay with it. These days, when I embrace uncertainty, the outcome is often magical, better than expected.

Embracing uncertainty may lead to unimaginably beautiful growth. Because above all, the purpose of life is not to be happy. The purpose of life is to use happiness as a gauge to determine whether or not we are on the right path in bringing our essence, our uniqueness, to flower into its full potential. To read more about why I don’t think the purpose of life is to be happy, here is the blog post I wrote a while ago (click here to read the post). Feel free to ask questions or disagree. I welcome all.

Conclusion

If you ask me, ‘Can you live without fear?’ I’d say no, nobody can. Fear is part of human nature, and suppressing it, instead of managing it, may backfire, causing unnecessary stress and anxiety, stifling potential and necessary growth, or worse, leading to catastrophic outcomes.

Share Your Thoughts, Please

What’s your experience with fear? Did you succumb to it? Did it save you? What did it save you from? Or did it block you from being your authentic, best self? Don’t hesitate to share your thoughts in the comment box below or shoot me a message and I’ll do my best to reply as soon as I can.